The Gift of Now

Bella left this morning for school with her almost kindergartener t-shirt that her preschool class has made to get excited about next year. And as I tie the side of her shirt to make it ‘wearable’ because it’s still too big for her little body (and always will be her little tiny body for her mama), I almost yell at her, “stop growing, pleeeeeeeeeeeeease!” She’s almost a little lady and I can see it in her posture, the way she walks and how she handles herself in every little way…and I know…the time is closer…to let her go eventually and let her be her own person in Christ..not yet, but soon…sooner than this mama would like it to be…

“You can cut umbilical cords but you can’t cut heart strings” Voskmp says and I know how true that is. “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” How right of you, Dr. Seuss. Voskamp says “The best way to prepare for what’s ahead is to be present to what is now. Be present to the gift of now.” and I nod in agreement and I’m grateful that I paid attention this morning…to Bella’s beautiful little face with her bright eyes and shy smile, to her slim back and her beautiful up-do hair as she walks away with her Daddy to get in the car, to both of their never-ending good-bye waves until the car disappears around the corner. I’m so thankful that I didn’t rush this morning and was not in a hurry watching little Chloe going for a walk around the neighborhood dragging her little wagon so proudly, dancing and running at the same time, drawing on our driveway with chalks getting our hands all messy, blowing bubbles and watching Chloe spilling soap water all over her tiny little body and talking to birds and laughing together.

And I marvel and wonder at how much joy God brings when I’m being present to the gift of now. The peace of God comes upon me and I know it’s His unfailing love showering me with His grace so that I can be glad and sing for joy all the days of my life. I love you, Lord, and that’s all I have to give you….

Come Upon Me Everyday

“The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most Hight will overshadow you.” –Luke 1:35

The Greek word for “come upon” is eperchomai, meaning “to…arrive, invade…resting upon and operating in a person.” -Beth Moore, Jesus: 90 days with the One and Only

I sense the power of God “coming upon me” every day, in both little and big things. That is how I know my Father is with me and that is how He reminds me of my own desire to be with Him forever. I ask him to come upon me in the darkness before dawn where everything is quiet, still and yet clear. Vanilla scented candle is flickering and I know my Heavenly Father, Abba, is here with me as always.

I can never forget the brief moment I shared with my Little Wiggles in the hospital bed soon after we lost him almost three years ago now. He was so tiny at 12 weeks, wrapped in a small white knitted blanket, and I wondered how it was even possible to have such powerful and strong love I felt for him when I barely even knew him. Everything was quiet in that hospital bed and everything was still and I knew he was smiling, I’m sure of it, because he was going home to Jesus. God took a part of me home that day and I’ll never know why the pain and suffering we endured was allowed till the day I see Him face to face. But I know one thing for sure; He reminds me every day that this, where I am now, is not home and helps me to experience the growth of my desire to be with Him everyday, which I don’t know how that’s even possible. Yes, a part of my heart is in heaven with my Heavenly Father and my Little Wiggles and I can’t wait to be reunited him and make my heart whole again.

God comes upon me today and every day because He is Immanuel and He is with me all the days of my life.

Bye-bye, BeFit in 90 & Hello, BeFit in 30 Extreme!

In January, I challenged myself to work out for 90 days with BeFit in 90 program and today, I’m proud to say that I have just finished my last work out session, day 90! It’s been a long 90 days with this awesome free workout system but I sure am glad that it’s over! And, no, of course I’m not done! I’m moving on to another free workout program called, BeFit in 30 Extreme workouts and I can’t wait to start…well, maybe after a few days of break. ^^ Love BeFit channel on YouTube!

 

So God Made a Mother and I Say Yes.

It’s so easy to love. How can you not? She was meant specifically for me and was fearfully, wonderfully and beautifully made by His holy and perfect hands. I carried her for 35 weeks in my womb, the same womb that was not to carry a life, at least that’s what I was told all my life. But God did what He does best, a miracle, and I felt every one of them when I felt her every little moves in my belly. I laughed at her little waves in the sonogram room, talked to her as if she was right next to me and cried all the way through the pregnancy for the fear of unknown whenever the devil whispered in my ears. But my Heavenly Father held my hands tightly and carried me through and I, her. She was my very first and she gracefully shared all her firsts with me because God entrusted her with me, a mere person, so hopeless and weak. He knew that I was not enough, not even close, so He extended his grace and He made me a mother on that beautiful November day five years ago.

It’s so easy to love her. How can you not? Just look at her. So beautiful, so innocent and so fragile. Her giggles and laughs are the greatest whispers of God’s love and I know that to be true always. Yet, I falter. So easily. So humanly. So tragically. God made me a mother so perfectly and yet, I stumble. And I know exactly why. I keep forgetting to remind myself that His grace is enough and that I’m enough because I’m His.

There are tears in her eyes and my heart gets broken into a thousand pieces. And I wonder how many times I break His heart and how many times I make Him cry…. I hold her and tell her how much I love her and how nothing will ever change my love for her. She nods and says she loves me, too. Does she? I wonder sometimes. And does He? I wonder if He ever doubts my love for Him. And I pray He NEVER does.

“Someone who knows that in every hard place is exactly where you extend grace, who looks a hopeful child in the eye and says yes, even though she knows every yes means a mess but this is how you bless, who has the courage to keep letting go because she’s holding on to Me. So God made a mother.”

Voskamp writes. How does she do that? How does she know what to tell me at the exact moment I need them. Of course. And I know it’s Him.

So I tie my hand to His. Because I forget. Maybe He’ll pull the string to remind me because I know I will forget again and I will fail at it miserably. And because I trust that He’ll never let go while I learn to obtain the courage to let go of things that are not of His. I have to. I’m a mother and she is holding on to me until the day she can hold on to God, her Heavenly Father, herself.

Saying yes to her is how I bless, I tell myself. Eternity is what I need to focus when I look at her, not here, not now. It’s so easy to love her. And it’s even easier to love her when I love her the way He loves me. He made me a mother because of His grace and I take His grace and ask for more because I want to be the mother He had planned for me to be and I know it’s a good one because I am His.

It’s so easy for Him to love me. How can he not? I’m fearfully and wonderfully made and His works are wonderful. So I put on His grace and am ready to say yes to my beautiful little girl and all the mess that follows my saying yes. I love her with all my heart and will lay my life for her without any hesitation. And I marvel at the truth and for the fact that He DID lay His for me.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14

What’s On Your Nightstand: January 2013

Another year of happy reading!

What I finished reading this month:

1. #110 The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern This book starts with intriguing mystery, combined with a fascinating world of circus and magic and ends with no definite answer or ending, which is how it gives the illusion of a wonderful novel. But illusion is exactly that; illusion. The writer is very good at playing with words and making them sound delicious, however, which kept me believing that there’s a certain ending I was wishing for. But in the end, I closed the book without knowing what that certain last page would feel like.
2. #111 Kisses from Katie: A Story of Relentless Love and Redemption by Katie Davis Mommy is a fixer of boo-boos and mender of broken hearts and so is our God except He is a thousand times better plus He is a healer and all-powerful. This book is so powerful, motivating and empowering and changes you to look at life differently. Loved author’s precious heart that loves and obeys God and she is mature and wise beyond her age.
3. #112 The Wooing of Jane Grey by C.E. Hilbert I was quite bored with this book and I’m glad I’m done. :-(

What I’m reading currently:

What I’m planning to read next:

BeFit in 90, Here I Come!

My this year’s challenge #1: Be fit and lose 20 lbs!

Yes, I’m announcing it to the world, hoping that would make be accountable to stay on track and lose all the weight that I put on with marriage and pregnancies. Yes, I’m doing this for myself and I know God is going to help me. And yes, I don’t have money or time like many moms out there but I’ll find the way to do it this year.

My first challenge towards losing 20 this year is BeFit in 90. I found this wonderful free resource on YouTube and it’s only been three days but I love it! I can’t wait to see what happens at the end of day 90 so stay tuned! :-)

God Said “Go” So I’ll Obey and Go.

“By faith Abraham…obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.” -Hebrews 11:8-

Everything is about the glory of God and He wants to bless me and I’ll take that blessing any day. And like Abraham’s story, I want my story to be recorded as a story of faith in God’s book….

God bless you. It’s easy to say and how I often used it so lightly partly because His blessing is so outrageously unconditional and abundant. But then God touches my heart so gently and so lovingly when my husband put his hand upon my head one afternoon and says, “I bless you in the name of Lord Jesus.” And I know it’s so precious and the Holy Spirit in me is waking me up. God is blessing me. He always have and He always will. And I cry at the privilege of being able to bless my children in His name.

I write down the covenant of blessing in my heart, my mind and soul with thanksgiving. Yes, I’ll obey and go. Even when I don’t know where I’m going. Even when I’m trembling with fear. Even when the devil tempts me with ungodly doubt. I’ll obey and go because God said “go” and because I trust that He sees and provides what I can’t fathom.

I rejoice this morning, writing down so many wonderful ways to obey Him and I’m grateful to God for showing the way. Yes, may God bless me forever and more. I will always selfishly receive your blessing with open arms, Father, always. So please never stop.

Happy Birthday Month, Jesus!

I hardly had birthday celebrations growing up. It was mainly because I was a girl and the fact that my uncle shared the same birthday with me meant that people were busy celebrating his birthday, not mine. Yes, it was sad but I’m ok with that now because I have Jesus in my life. And His birthday, Christmas, is just around the corner and I’m so excited to celebrate!

This year, our advent calendar is filled with scriptures instead of too many activities now that Bella is a bit older and understands Bible so much better. It’s so wonderful to hear Christmas story from her little lips and I love how Bella shouts, “Do you know that Jesus is the son of God, Mommy?!”

I love December because joy comes so easily. And I tell myself to hold onto this joy based on truth of Christ for the rest of my life. And I’m praying that God will show me the perfect gift for Jesus that I can give Him this year….

Scripture Based Advent Calendar for Year 2012

Mommy Is Forever and So Is He.

“Mommy.” She said it and I knew. She was mine. I was captivated. Because Mommy is forever. It’s such a powerful name. Mommy means “I trust you.” Mommy means “You will protect me.” Mommy is for shouting when you need someone dependable and for laughing with when you are excited. Mommy is for crying on and cuddling with when you are sad of giggling and hiding behind when you are embarrassed. Mommy is the fixer of boo-boos and the mender of broken hearts. Mommy is a comfort place, a safe place. Mommy means you are mine and I am your forever and we are family. –from Kisses From Katie–

And I break down. I needed that tonight and God knew exactly what I needed to hear and He spoke to me through a young beautiful lady who is a Mommy to many orphan children in Uganda. She was a mere teenager when she became a Mommy and she does it because she loves God. No, she doesn’t paint a fairytale picture of who she is or what she’s doing as a Mommy. In fact, it’s extremely hard and sometimes brutal. But she does it because she loves God and God loves her. I break down because I love God too and because I know He feels the same about me, significantly more than I Him, which I will never understand. I break down because somehow in the midst of my daily craziness, I lost a sight of Him. However brief that was, it does not matter. A minute or even a second away from God is painful and I don’t want to go anywhere without Him.

I think of my two beautiful girls, both asleep in their rooms now and think of their bright smiles they showed me throughout the day. All they wanted today was for me to be with them and sit with them and instead I chose to do the dishes, clean the floors and sweep the fallen leaves. But each time I looked up, they were smiling brightly at me. They wanted Mommy and I chose the worldly things over them. And for that, I was sorry.

I kissed boo-boos on Chloe’s hands that she got while playing in the backyard and spoke loving and comforting words to Bella during our Bible time at night.  Of course, I didn’t have to fix their boo-boos and mend their broken hearts if I chose them in the first place. But then I remember the truth and how I was found and healed through my faith. So with God’s grace, I choose not to listen to the lies and instead kneel down to my Father and confess. I know He will fix my boo-boos and mend my broken heart. I know He is forever and He is mine and I, His. The greatest truth that comforts me the most is that I don’t ever have to doubt that He will and always will choose me.

God is my father and I trust Him. And He is forever and I am His. And I can’t wait for the day where there will be no more boo-boos and broken hearts.

 

What’s On Your Nightstand: November 2012

What I finished reading this month:

1. #104One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp I picked this book partly because of a review I’ve read and partly because of its pretty book cover. And I’m so glad I did because this book has blessed me so much in so many ways that I can’t even begin to describe. I cried so many times and often I felt God speaking directly to me in such timely manners. At times, He would use the exact words that I was using earlier that day to answer my questions or reassure my thoughts (all through Voskamp book, of course. ^^). I’m still processing this book although I’ve finished reading it a long ago because it contains so many things to think about and ponder. The best thing I got out of this book is the fact that thanksgiving has become a major part of my faith now and I found that it is indeed God’s will for me to do so. ( “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” -1 Thessalonians 5:16-18) Loved this book!
2. #105 The Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian This is my third The Power of Praying series book and as usual, Stormie always gives me something to think about and pray about and they are always very timely as well.
3. #106 I’m Glad You Asked by Ken Boa and Larry Moody I read this book as part of our small group discussion and I enjoyed more than I thought I would. The book covers few hard questions that people ask the most about Christianity and it provides some interesting perspectives as well as few practical ways to answer those questions.
4. #107 Matched by Ally Condie The Hunger Games meets the Bachelor? :-)
5. #108 The Bungalow by Sarah Jio This book contained many interesting elements (WWII, Tahiti, murder, love story, etc.) but didn’t leave much room for my imagination. The ending was too predictable and I read it till the end just to finish it, fully knowing how the story is going to end. A bit disappointing since I was looking forward to another book by the author, The Violets of March.
6. #109 The Girl Giant by Kristen den Hartog I cried and my heart ached for the little “giant” girl. In a way, we all want to be loved by someone no matter how we look and the reality of judgemental nature of human beings saddened me. An interesting book and even more interesting how the author decided to write a book about a giant girl after seeing an old photo of a giant Jewish girl.