Category Archives: Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday

Pour Your Heart Out: Too Blessed

 

“Hi, my name is Abi and I’m ridiculously blessed.”

I decided to get involved with the prayer ministry at our church recently and I got the very first list of prayer requests yesterday. I was excited to pray for them and was thrilled that I could intercede with my prayers. As I was writing the names and their prayer requests down in my notebook so that I can pray for them throughout the week, it hit me…it hit me hard that I was blessed…too blessed, in fact.

People were having so many problems and many were suffering physically. I cried for them and I lifted them up as high as I could to reach God with my prayers for them. My heart ached for the pain and suffering that people were going through and I held on to God tightly for them because He’s the only hope that these people have. And then, I imagined what it would be like for me to go through the same problems…. I was grateful that I wasn’t and I was so thankful for how God blessed me and my family though I’m sure we don’t deserve it, not any more than those people I was praying for.

I AM thankful everyday for what God is doing but I do take things for granted sometimes. I forget how to be content after a while and I start grumbling. It’s so easy to lose track and I keep finding myself stop counting my blessings. I should never stop. I know that. And I wonder praying for others was a wake up call for me. I wonder if God planted a desire to pray for others in my heart so that I can find contentment in my life, be thankful for what I have and reach out. It is true. Nothing is coincidence in my life. I wonder if God was smiling when I finally figured it out. :-)

I visited a friend at a hospital last night after praying for her all day. She was asleep and I didn’t wake her. My heart broke for her after seeing her asleep alone in her hospital room, with no family around. I left her a note letting her know that I was there and that I’m praying for her. I wished that my note would bring a smile on her face. And I was thankful for my husband and a daughter right next to me and for the fact that they’ll be there for me always.

For more Pour Your Heart Out, visit Shell @ Things I Can’t Say.


Pour Your Heart Out: Writer’s Block

I love writing and I always thought I would have published a book by now but I’ve been “blocked” as a writer for about 5 years.  So, no, there’s no book published in my name….

I was born with a congenital heart disease and I remember having blue-ish purple colored lips and finger nails often due to my condition and having to work extra hard for breath.  I was always weak; too weak to do things that normal kids at my age would do.  That is the reason why I don’t run, up until this day.  Since I couldn’t run and play with friends, I sat under the tree a lot watching them play and before long, I had a pen and paper in my hands writing.  I wrote gibberish words at first of course, which became a poem and a story later.  And then, it became my life.

My teenage years after the heart surgery wasn’t easy either.  I was grateful at a second chance in life of course, but I was lonely, always too lonely even when I was surrounded by people.  Things seemed broken everywhere I go and nothing really comforted me so I wrote.  It was a way of escaping the reality and I was happy there in my writing where I can do whatever I want with the people in my story.  I loved writing happy endings because a happy ending of my life seemed impossible.  I was almost addicted to my writing and people called it a talent or art.  Crazy…  They didn’t know what was underneath it and it was ok and sometimes it was a relief to me that they didn’t know.

College years were even more difficult.  I was naked before the world and it kept throwing things at my bear skin.  I remember being in the darkness a lot, year after year.  I was always hopeful in spring time though, thinking maybe this spring will stay with me for the rest of my life.  But the darkness always found me every year and I went down with it every time without failure.  I was at the end of it one night, ready to end everything I remember, and my phone rang, pulling me out of the darkness once again. After that, I remember going places; back home, to familiar and unfamiliar places, across the sea and high and low places looking for things that couldn’t be found there.

And I found God under the bright sun one summer.  After many nights of crying under the cross at my college chapel and many years of wandering hopelessly, I found Him under the quiet green water and He held me tight and said that I was home and that everything will be ok.  He told me that He was always there even before I knew Him, always carrying me in His arms and that He cried many nights with me under the cross and walked beside me through my wandering years.  And that day, He took my loneliness and darkness away for good this time and I was happy there.

Everything changed.  I was full with Him in my heart and nothing could bring me down.  I’m still happy and I never went down under again ever since I found Him.  That is why I know He is the truth and I yearn to be with Him at the end of my life, forever.  Yes, everything changed and that’s when I started to have a writer’s block.  You see, I didn’t have to escape my life any more and I was happy where I was.  I know now that I don’t have to write to be happy or to prove myself that I deserve anything in life because I know I’m loved by God no matter what and that’s the truth.

I miss writing though.  My husband tells me that I should write (yes, I have one of “those” who actually encourages me to write or draw. Yes, I know, I’m so lucky!) and I tell him that I’m too happy to write or draw.  But I don’t miss the days of darkness, not for a second, and that’s why I love my writer’s block.  I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever have a book published in my name.  I’m not sure….  But I know my name is published in God’s book and that’s all it matters to me for now and forever.


Pour Your Heart Out: How are you still awake, child?!

“Stop! Stop!”

“Jesus loves me this I know~”

“Oh, my goodness!”

“Daddy? Mommy? Daddy!!!”

Believe it or not, we tucked our little one in bed little after 8: 30 pm but those are what we are hearing at 11:30 at night while my husband and I were reading in bed.  No, it’s not unusual at all since about two months ago and it’s been like this for way too long!!  She’s quite adorable and I love listening to her outside her door.  But the whole whining and crying and calling for us is just too much!!

“From ages 1 to 3, most toddlers sleep about 10 to 13 hours. Separation anxiety, or just the desire to be up with mom and dad (and not miss anything), can motivate a child to stay awake. So can simple toddler-style contrariness.” <source: http://kidshealth.org&gt;

I’m laughing reading this because my 28 months old daughter sleeps for about 8 hours!! :-)  Well, she does take a good nap for about 2 hours in the afternoon so technically she does get about 10 to 11 hours of sleep, but seriously? Staying awake after 11pm?  I’ve tried lots of things (giving her bath before she goes to sleep, having a night-time ritual, bribing with fun things we’d do the next day, spanking, more spanking, spanking with wooden spoon, etc.) but I don’t think I have found a magic solution sadly…. :-(

I’m just a bit frustrated so if you have any good suggestion, please let me know!!!


Pour Your Heart Out: Fleas Fleas Go Away~

Hi, my name is Abi and I’m a scratcher. :-)

My whole body is covered with flea bites (ok, so I’m exaggerating but it sure does feel like the whole body has been bitten!) and I’m going nuts trying to control and not scratch myself.  I never noticed it until I got married but my husband stops me from scratching my skin off all the time and I realised that apparently I have no self-control in that area.  I see bug bites, I scratch.  I feel itchy, I scratch.  I see bug bites on my child, I want to scratch it for her!  The worst of it all is that I’m a sleep-scratcher and I wake up my husband with my “eerie” scratching noise in the middle of the night.  Can you imagine, being woken up by your wife’s uncontrollable scratching habit?  Poor my husband, it’s quite gross (yes, I admit it!) and that’s how I know he loves me unconditionally. :-)  I must say though, I’m trying….and considering adding “self-control” as my middle name! :-)

Well, mosquito bites are bad enough but we recently have found out that we have fleas in the house.  Mind you, I didn’t know what fleas look like and even after all of us were marked with “bug bites” all over our body, flea issue was the last thing in my mind because we’ve never had fleas before (that we were aware of)!  I thought we spent too much time outside in the kiddie pool with Bella and that whatever bug spray we had used didn’t quite work well.  It was only after a friend of mine who was visiting me saw it in our family room said that’s what it was.  I about died!!  My poor child has been bitten by fleas for over three days?!!!  As soon as my friend told me, I ran into her room and took all the bed sheets, a floor rug, blankets, stuff animals and anything and everything in cloth material out of her room.  I was simply horrified!!  We don’t even own pets for goodness sake!!!  I called my husband and freaked out!

Looking back, I vaguely remember my husband coming in one day from taking yard trash out or something and sitting down on the floor with Bella and I to play with blocks or something.  I remember seeing some black bugs flying off of his body and he felt disgusted and took a shower right after.  Yes…and I remember thinking nothing of it…sigh…  Well, a long story short, my hubby sprayed the heck out of our house with flea spray thingy whatever it’s called and treated our lawn as well.  We haven’t seen any flea in the house since then except the occasional dead or almost dead ones but any and every little black dots or things on the floor freak both my husband and me out and we are constantly picking them up to inspect them. :-(  Right now, I’m waiting for the pest control guys to show up and perform a “professional magic” to destroy them all.  It’s a miracle that I haven’t been dreaming about the fleas, really! :-)

Now, my poor child, if she didn’t have a hope to get a pet before because her Mommy is simply against it, she definitely got no chance at all whatsoever after this flea incident!  Daddy was getting softer on the owning a pet issue but I will stand firm and protect my family from fleas!!! :-)  I love you, Bella, but there are these things called stuff animals and you can get whatever pets you want when you have your own house, ok? :-)


Pour Your Heart Out: I Have No Green Thumb

  

I don’t have a green thumb.  Period.  In fact, I am very talented at killing plants, even the ones that are perfectly in good condition at the store and as soon as I bring them home, they all just wither and die.  Yes, it’s quite frustrating and for a long time, I’ve been sticking to raking leaves and pulling weeds as far as the “gardening” is concerned.  It’s sad, I know.  You’d think a girl with much common sense and a master’s degree could figure out a tiny thing called gardening or even as small as keeping the plants alive.  But no, apparently intelligence has nothing to do with it!  

My mom, on the other hand, is a queen of anything green.  I remember spending summer at home with her in Korea (while I was in college in the States) and she was the happiest when she was surrounded by her plants and flowers.  I’d wake up in the mornings and she’d be nowhere to be found.  And then I hear my mom singing and at the end of that tunes, I’d find my mom on the rooftop, sitting next to many of her “babies (a.k.a. plants and flowers)” as she called them and singing, watering and just loving them.  Many times I’d tease her and say, “you’d rather sing to your plants than make breakfast for your daughter who only comes home in the summer?!’ :-)  And she’d laugh and we’d water the plants together….  I miss those days with her….  

My mom is such a little girl at heart and she dreams of having a big garden (quite hard and uncommon in the city in Korea due to high population density) and growing old with her plants and flowers.  Yes, sometimes I can’t believe that I share the same genes with her when I look at my dead plants.  My husband just smiles silently these days when I come home with yet another plant in my shopping bag and he’d say, “oh, another one?” :-)  

I wish I could be like my mom and show Bella the stillness and quietness of nature and the beauty of it all.  I wish I could plant plants and flowers in my garden and share laughter and giggles with my little girl and spend mornings watering them.  But I do have fun with Bella weeding and raking leaves and I must say, she’s quite good at it after her own mother’s heart! :-)  Yes, she gets tired of them after a while and retires herself to her sand box but we’re still spending time together in our little backyard.  

For now, I’m satisfied with herb plant pots by the kitchen windows (replacing them quite frequently as they die) and watching flowers bloom in my garden that were planted by the previous owner and added by my mom two years ago.  But I’m determined to have a vegetable garden on our side yard (I know you object to this, hubby, but you know I’ll get what I want eventually so eat your heart out! *^^*).  That is, when my mom visits this summer, I’ll have her help me with it. :-)  Either way, I’ll have yet another go at growing “green stuff” in our yard and I can’t wait! :-)  

My Inspiration Vegetable Garden! :-)


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