It’s so easy to love. How can you not? She was meant specifically for me and was fearfully, wonderfully and beautifully made by His holy and perfect hands. I carried her for 35 weeks in my womb, the same womb that was not to carry a life, at least that’s what I was told all my life. But God did what He does best, a miracle, and I felt every one of them when I felt her every little moves in my belly. I laughed at her little waves in the sonogram room, talked to her as if she was right next to me and cried all the way through the pregnancy for the fear of unknown whenever the devil whispered in my ears. But my Heavenly Father held my hands tightly and carried me through and I, her. She was my very first and she gracefully shared all her firsts with me because God entrusted her with me, a mere person, so hopeless and weak. He knew that I was not enough, not even close, so He extended his grace and He made me a mother on that beautiful November day five years ago.
It’s so easy to love her. How can you not? Just look at her. So beautiful, so innocent and so fragile. Her giggles and laughs are the greatest whispers of God’s love and I know that to be true always. Yet, I falter. So easily. So humanly. So tragically. God made me a mother so perfectly and yet, I stumble. And I know exactly why. I keep forgetting to remind myself that His grace is enough and that I’m enough because I’m His.
There are tears in her eyes and my heart gets broken into a thousand pieces. And I wonder how many times I break His heart and how many times I make Him cry…. I hold her and tell her how much I love her and how nothing will ever change my love for her. She nods and says she loves me, too. Does she? I wonder sometimes. And does He? I wonder if He ever doubts my love for Him. And I pray He NEVER does.
“Someone who knows that in every hard place is exactly where you extend grace, who looks a hopeful child in the eye and says yes, even though she knows every yes means a mess but this is how you bless, who has the courage to keep letting go because she’s holding on to Me. So God made a mother.”
Voskamp writes. How does she do that? How does she know what to tell me at the exact moment I need them. Of course. And I know it’s Him.
So I tie my hand to His. Because I forget. Maybe He’ll pull the string to remind me because I know I will forget again and I will fail at it miserably. And because I trust that He’ll never let go while I learn to obtain the courage to let go of things that are not of His. I have to. I’m a mother and she is holding on to me until the day she can hold on to God, her Heavenly Father, herself.
Saying yes to her is how I bless, I tell myself. Eternity is what I need to focus when I look at her, not here, not now. It’s so easy to love her. And it’s even easier to love her when I love her the way He loves me. He made me a mother because of His grace and I take His grace and ask for more because I want to be the mother He had planned for me to be and I know it’s a good one because I am His.
It’s so easy for Him to love me. How can he not? I’m fearfully and wonderfully made and His works are wonderful. So I put on His grace and am ready to say yes to my beautiful little girl and all the mess that follows my saying yes. I love her with all my heart and will lay my life for her without any hesitation. And I marvel at the truth and for the fact that He DID lay His for me.
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14