Word of the Month: June {Patient}

If you are new to the Word of the Month and wants to join in, welcome and read THIS for more info.

Patient

: bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint
: manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain
: not hasty or impetuous
: steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity
I don’t bear things well; hence, I’m not a patient person. I have a mild case (I suppose, depending on who you ask) of OCD. I like having lists and marking them off when they are done. My brain doesn’t shut off unless things are done. I don’t know how to relax and enjoy life UNLESS my to-do list is complete. I like things done in my way and everyone should do it my way, if possible! These are just examples of why I’m not a very patient person and that is why I decided to try being more patient….at least in the month of June! :-) Of course, there’s a reason why {Patient} became the Word of the Month. Read below….

I’ve had tired and busy days for the past few days. I’ve been getting up before 6 a.m. everyday like a clock against my “will” which means I’ve been starting many mornings already tired and cranky. One day last week, I had to watch a friend’s daughter untill mid-afternoon and though my daughter gets along well with her friend most of the time, this day, they both were literally crazy and out of control. All day long, I had to follow them around, asking them to share and be nice and not to yell, whine, throw things or be mean to each other. I was literally ready to pull my hair out or lock them up in separate rooms!

By the time Bella’s friend got picked-up, it was already too late for my daughter to take a nap so I didn’t get any “Mommy time” to rest that afternoon. Unfortunately for me, Daddy was going to come home late that day due to a meeting he had to attend for work, so we played outside in the kiddie pool in 92 degree heat. I assure you, this was a much better alternative than constantly being nagged by her till that night. Two hours were spent outside in the heat and there were numerous getting ups and downs for Mommy and blowing many water bloons. By this point, I was literally on the verge of collapsing though there’s no excuse for what I did afterwards.

Bella was being her usual happy self and giggling while pulling and hanging onto my skirt as I walked around in the house, trying to clean things up. I was tired and it was even harder being pregnant to have 36-lb-person dangling on me constantly. That’s when something snapped in my head and I turned around and raised my voice at her, “Bella!!!! Can’t you just leave Mommy alone for two seconds, please?! Come on, already!!!” Oh, you should’ve seen the pain and hurt in my precious daughter’s tiny little face and her lips trembled along with her teary eyes. It broke my heart to pieces right then and there and I wish I could take it back. She turned around and head right to her bedroom crying, “I want my Daddy~” I closed my eyes regretting instantly what I’ve done to my little angel and hated myself so much at that moment.

All Bella wanted to do was playing and having fun with her Mommy and I snapped at her because I couldn’t bear my physical tiredness and annoyance. I felt terrible and I was disappointed at myself. I didn’t have a good parent role model growing up and I always feared that I’d be bad at being a Mommy. By grace of God, I do pretty well in being an OK Mommy but I do see the glimpse of what could’ve been without God’s grace from time to time and that scares me. I know I can’t live in that fear and God helps me through it but being a human as I am, I still get tempted numerous times a day.

Later that night, I apologized to my little girl (by then, she’d already forgotten everything…how quick they are to forgive and forget and how I wish I could do the same!) and gave her extra TLC. My hubby, after hearing what had happened, said, “kids don’t remember things happened at this age when they grow up. In fact, Bella won’t remember most of her toddler years as she gets older so don’t beat yourself up!” He might be right but I will know. I will remember.

Physical limit is my biggest enemy in being patient, although it shouldn’t be an excuse in any way. Being pregnant and not being able to do things doesn’t help at all, especially when I have things to do in my head. The difference between my hubby, who is very patient, and I are the priority we set in our minds. How my to-do list is always so urgent in my head is just beyond me! So, my goal this month is that I’d take time to focus on more important things (things that God views as important that is!) and take time (patiently!) to enjoy life and time with my daughter. Perhaps I can be more patient with people around me and things that need to be done. But most importantly, I want to be patient with my precious daughter. After all, I want my daughter to know what it is to be loved and treasured more than anything….

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