Pour Your Heart Out: Writer’s Block

I love writing and I always thought I would have published a book by now but I’ve been “blocked” as a writer for about 5 years.  So, no, there’s no book published in my name….

I was born with a congenital heart disease and I remember having blue-ish purple colored lips and finger nails often due to my condition and having to work extra hard for breath.  I was always weak; too weak to do things that normal kids at my age would do.  That is the reason why I don’t run, up until this day.  Since I couldn’t run and play with friends, I sat under the tree a lot watching them play and before long, I had a pen and paper in my hands writing.  I wrote gibberish words at first of course, which became a poem and a story later.  And then, it became my life.

My teenage years after the heart surgery wasn’t easy either.  I was grateful at a second chance in life of course, but I was lonely, always too lonely even when I was surrounded by people.  Things seemed broken everywhere I go and nothing really comforted me so I wrote.  It was a way of escaping the reality and I was happy there in my writing where I can do whatever I want with the people in my story.  I loved writing happy endings because a happy ending of my life seemed impossible.  I was almost addicted to my writing and people called it a talent or art.  Crazy…  They didn’t know what was underneath it and it was ok and sometimes it was a relief to me that they didn’t know.

College years were even more difficult.  I was naked before the world and it kept throwing things at my bear skin.  I remember being in the darkness a lot, year after year.  I was always hopeful in spring time though, thinking maybe this spring will stay with me for the rest of my life.  But the darkness always found me every year and I went down with it every time without failure.  I was at the end of it one night, ready to end everything I remember, and my phone rang, pulling me out of the darkness once again. After that, I remember going places; back home, to familiar and unfamiliar places, across the sea and high and low places looking for things that couldn’t be found there.

And I found God under the bright sun one summer.  After many nights of crying under the cross at my college chapel and many years of wandering hopelessly, I found Him under the quiet green water and He held me tight and said that I was home and that everything will be ok.  He told me that He was always there even before I knew Him, always carrying me in His arms and that He cried many nights with me under the cross and walked beside me through my wandering years.  And that day, He took my loneliness and darkness away for good this time and I was happy there.

Everything changed.  I was full with Him in my heart and nothing could bring me down.  I’m still happy and I never went down under again ever since I found Him.  That is why I know He is the truth and I yearn to be with Him at the end of my life, forever.  Yes, everything changed and that’s when I started to have a writer’s block.  You see, I didn’t have to escape my life any more and I was happy where I was.  I know now that I don’t have to write to be happy or to prove myself that I deserve anything in life because I know I’m loved by God no matter what and that’s the truth.

I miss writing though.  My husband tells me that I should write (yes, I have one of “those” who actually encourages me to write or draw. Yes, I know, I’m so lucky!) and I tell him that I’m too happy to write or draw.  But I don’t miss the days of darkness, not for a second, and that’s why I love my writer’s block.  I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever have a book published in my name.  I’m not sure….  But I know my name is published in God’s book and that’s all it matters to me for now and forever.

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7 responses to “Pour Your Heart Out: Writer’s Block

  • Mary

    This was so intereseting and reminded me so much of things in my own life. I never experienced the health problems you did, but I was always lonely and often very sad…especially in the teen years. I wrote tons of really awful poetry, which I keep trying to decide whether to keep or shred before my children ever read any of it some day when I die! Like you, God was my lifeline, my anchor. After I got married, I didn’t write poetry for years and my loneliness went away. God gave me a great gift when I found Mike. Then writing began to come back to me and I write Christian poems now when I write any at all. I love writing all sorts of stuff and keeping prayer journals and blogging. I keep thinking I want to write a Christian devotional book of some sort….but don’t know where to begin. I have several e-mail friends who love to write, too and we write bits of our memories and share them. I guess it isn’t about writing a book or getting published….I just have to write and express myself, just like I have to take photos and quilt and read. It’s me.

  • Shell

    You write so well on here, don’t forget about that!

    I’m glad that you have found such peace and happiness with God.

    Thanks for linking up.

  • Beth

    Ditto to Katie … you write a lot Abi and you write beautifully! And you are probably touching lives you will never realize you’re touching until someone comes to you in Heaven to say thank you! I’ll beat the rush though and say *thank you* today for this beautiful post!

    Have you read Ted Dekker’s The Circle books? Your description of meeting God beneath the cool green water reminded me of them … particularly in Black.

  • Katie

    Maybe you aren’t writing a novel…but you write every single day here…and these posts…whether short or long..are honing a skill in you. One day God will use all this “practice” and help you to put pen to paper and write the story HE wants you to write in HIS time.

    :-) You have blessed me so much! Thanks for always having an encouraging word on my blog too! You totally ROCK!!!

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