I love writing and I always thought I would have published a book by now but I’ve been “blocked” as a writer for about 5 years. So, no, there’s no book published in my name….
I was born with a congenital heart disease and I remember having blue-ish purple colored lips and finger nails often due to my condition and having to work extra hard for breath. I was always weak; too weak to do things that normal kids at my age would do. That is the reason why I don’t run, up until this day. Since I couldn’t run and play with friends, I sat under the tree a lot watching them play and before long, I had a pen and paper in my hands writing. I wrote gibberish words at first of course, which became a poem and a story later. And then, it became my life.
My teenage years after the heart surgery wasn’t easy either. I was grateful at a second chance in life of course, but I was lonely, always too lonely even when I was surrounded by people. Things seemed broken everywhere I go and nothing really comforted me so I wrote. It was a way of escaping the reality and I was happy there in my writing where I can do whatever I want with the people in my story. I loved writing happy endings because a happy ending of my life seemed impossible. I was almost addicted to my writing and people called it a talent or art. Crazy… They didn’t know what was underneath it and it was ok and sometimes it was a relief to me that they didn’t know.
College years were even more difficult. I was naked before the world and it kept throwing things at my bear skin. I remember being in the darkness a lot, year after year. I was always hopeful in spring time though, thinking maybe this spring will stay with me for the rest of my life. But the darkness always found me every year and I went down with it every time without failure. I was at the end of it one night, ready to end everything I remember, and my phone rang, pulling me out of the darkness once again. After that, I remember going places; back home, to familiar and unfamiliar places, across the sea and high and low places looking for things that couldn’t be found there.
And I found God under the bright sun one summer. After many nights of crying under the cross at my college chapel and many years of wandering hopelessly, I found Him under the quiet green water and He held me tight and said that I was home and that everything will be ok. He told me that He was always there even before I knew Him, always carrying me in His arms and that He cried many nights with me under the cross and walked beside me through my wandering years. And that day, He took my loneliness and darkness away for good this time and I was happy there.
Everything changed. I was full with Him in my heart and nothing could bring me down. I’m still happy and I never went down under again ever since I found Him. That is why I know He is the truth and I yearn to be with Him at the end of my life, forever. Yes, everything changed and that’s when I started to have a writer’s block. You see, I didn’t have to escape my life any more and I was happy where I was. I know now that I don’t have to write to be happy or to prove myself that I deserve anything in life because I know I’m loved by God no matter what and that’s the truth.
I miss writing though. My husband tells me that I should write (yes, I have one of “those” who actually encourages me to write or draw. Yes, I know, I’m so lucky!) and I tell him that I’m too happy to write or draw. But I don’t miss the days of darkness, not for a second, and that’s why I love my writer’s block. I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever have a book published in my name. I’m not sure…. But I know my name is published in God’s book and that’s all it matters to me for now and forever.